The short version about why I am doing what I doing.
This is my story.
I was the girl with big dreams and believed in relationships. I was taught to be polite, respectful, and most of all do everything I could to keep others happy.
In high school, I was a pretty good athlete and had opportunities to play basketball and run track at several small colleges. Dream come true! That is until I began to be bullied because of those big dreams and success towards reaching them. My four years of high school were pretty tough and I internalized a lot of the crap from the bullies in my life.
However, I did become a collegiate athlete. I reached that goal and the bullies didn’t win but I started to fear confrontation. I started to play small in all aspects of my life and fly under the radar. I was still an achiever – enough to get accolades but not enough to make anyone, truly uncomfortable. I did this so I wouldn’t get bullied again.
Creation of My Mental Bully
Then I created my own worst bully: I began to compete with myself. Beat myself up. Letting those voices of past bullies and current fears tear my physical appearance apart and destroy my self-esteem. I made it through all of this without any major issues regarding depression, addiction, or poor relationships decisions. Except well, with myself. I began to believe everyone else was more important than me. Everyone else’s time was more valuable. That I had to be all to everyone. I had to be quiet so I can be liked. I had to be formal, polite and know just enough to be well-spoken but not intimidating.
There have been times in my life that I allowed my true self to shine and it was powerfully positive but my fears of risking vulnerability and heartbreak kept me small, reserved, formal, and highly professional. I got very good at wearing the mask I had created for myself.
The Process and Practice of Overcoming
Now, I am finally overcoming my fears and internalized voices to live a life I adore, as my authentic self. Don’t get me wrong, things have always been good for me (and I am momentously grateful for that), expect well, how unkind I was and can be to myself.
I knew there was a better way, so I began reading books, talking to people, hired a coach, a counselor, and picked up yoga. Because one thing I knew for sure, was that this work to love myself, is a lifelong practice. There will always be situations where I want to pick up my mask and morph back into the unassuming, wallflower.
I am in Control
The results of my work have been so encouraging. I feel stronger, more courageous, and free. I still struggle with all the things I mentioned above but I embrace and accept them about myself, meaning those fears and internalized voices are NO longer in control.
My Gift to Share
My retreat is the a culmination of all the internal work I have done to be kinder to myself. To start showing up as the authentic, confident woman I wish to be. And this gift is the gift I wish to share with each of you.
I decided on a retreat format in a relaxing atmosphere because I believe it’s the best space for the first series of intensive self-acceptance work to done. It’s here where we will build a strong foundation of powerful skills to take the control back from your inner critic and internalized bullies. The control, peace, and self-acceptance will be placed squarely back in your capable hands and that is the greatest gift I can witness. The work you do, in my retreat, will elevate and grow your life in ways that you’ve never imagined possible.
It powerful, my friends. Powerful! And I am honored to be apart of the change process.
Want to know more about me, check out my about me page: http://carolinemckean.com/about-me/
Light and Love,